A cop stops his patrol car when he sees Banta and his girlfriend sitting on the curb. Banta is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his butt, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him,
he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me
home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not going to make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.
The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?
Santa says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift!"
Banta was carrying a large fish in a bucket of water away from a lake, which was well known for its excellent fishing when a Fishery officer stopped him.The officer says, "Do you have a fishing license?"
Banta replies, "Don't need a license, this is my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the officer asked.
Banta answers, "Yes, every night I take my fish down to the lake and let him swim around for a while,
then I whistle and he jumps up on shore and I put him in his bucket and we go back home."
"That's a bunch of baloney, fish can't do that."
Banta looks at the officer and says, "You want me to show you?"
Very curious now, the officer says, "O.K. I've got to see this"
Banta pours the fish into the lake then stands there waiting.
After a few minutes, the officer turns to Banta and says, "Well?" "Well, What?" Banta says.
The Officer asks, "Are you going to call your fish back?"
"Fish! What fish?" Banta responds.
Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door,
but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door
and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull"
Santa and Banta, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant.While looking at the menu, Banta noticed Santa looking at the vegetarian section of the menu.
"What would you like Santa?" he asked.
"I’m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish," Santa replied.
"Santa, you like meat and potatoes. You won’t like that dish," Banta said.
"What do you know," answered Santa, "I'm getting it."
"Santa, I'm telling you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won’t like it!" Banta exclaimed.
"I’m getting it and that is the last word!" says Santa.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table.
Santa looks down and his dish and says to Banta, “Where are my eggs?”
Santa and his wife, Jeeto, were living in a farm up in the hills. One day, Santa found that the hole under the outhouse is full. He tells Jeeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Jeeto says, "Why don't you go ask Banta down the road?"
So, Santa goes down to Banta's house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all
across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Santa thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Jeeto comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite spreading shit all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Santa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Jeeto, are you all right?"
As she pulls herself up she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."
Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls' eyes will straighten out."
The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls' eyes begin to straighten,
but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls' eyes are crossed again.
The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.
The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."
Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls' ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
"Shit!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Banta replies, "You don't think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?""You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes,
they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
"ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."
Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say...
