Philosophy Class :-A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it,
and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic,
it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
Genius at Work :-At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.
As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message,
Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."
Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment.
The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would
deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon.
The parishioner replied that he did.
The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world
could understand him. But Reverend,
no one can understand you."
Electric Razor :-An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package.
The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.
The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor.
"My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he
said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor.
I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out
more hair than it cut! I want a refund!"
The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen.
"Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be."
After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it.
Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?"
The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?"
Wife`s Birthday :-Santa thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to Jeetoo on
these dates along with an appropriate
note signed, "Your loving husband."
Jeeto was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day,
some bouquets later, when Santa came home, kissed her and said
offhandedly, "Nice flowers, where'd you get them?"
Funniest Joke :-Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by
robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest
where their boss was residing.
Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and
alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.
Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa.
So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.
Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers,
but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.
Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.
The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"
Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the
strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to
again point to himself and say, "Asit."
Replied the other, "Santa."
A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Santa responded, "Sagittarius."
Santa is talking to Banta about married life."You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
Banta says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later Santa has to go out of town on a business tour. Before he goes, he gets together with Banta.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's
always that doubt."
Banta agrees to help out, and Santa leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets Banta, "So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says Banta.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked
in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt and then.... they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says Santa.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
Banta's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables
and there's hardly standing room anywhere.
Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor.
Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly,
a bartender rises from behind the bar.
"What happened!?!" says Banta.
The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try
counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles
an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders,
kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, Preeto sat there - speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to Banta, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
Banta scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."
Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.
When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"
Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street.
Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things.
Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his
glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."
Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down,
a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody.
So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran
outside to see what had happened.
When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.
However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"
