A new
blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong
with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
"How
come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the
door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A tour bus
driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on
his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them
A young
man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first
wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
What do you call an eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh,look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,"Oh, look at the dead bird." The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where? Where?"
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
Why are blonde's boobs always square?
Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.
A blonde and
a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.
She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"
A
Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the
roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump
into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
A
blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping!"
A police
officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see
her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act
together. Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!"
A blonde goes
to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt. 'Sit down and tell me
how it happened,' said the doctor. 'Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!'
'Okay, I see...But that's one ear - what about the other?'
'They called again!!'
